Horror Hysteria: “Piranha 3D”

"I'm sorry,  IMDB are still listing this on your filmography..."
“I’m sorry, IMDB are still listing this on your filmography…”

Alexandre Aja’s 2010 remake of the Joe Dante fishspoitation classic, “Piranha” is a wretched piece of crap.

“Piranha 3D” has but one concern –  the dismemberment of young, topless girls.  To say that this is crass and sickening  is almost too obvious, but the sheer, weapons-grade misogyny on display in Aja’s movie beggars belief.  I don’t know if I was more surprised by the film’s craven delight in finding ways to kill the female supporting cast or by the presence in it of actors like Elizabeth Shue and Christopher Lloyd.   I know times are tough, but you would like to think that Academy Award nominees could find a better use of their time than this rancid horror flick.

The film’s underlying ideas are as ugly as the technical side of it.  There’s scarcely a female role in the film which doesn’t call for the actress to go topless or to be bloodily devoured whilst topless – If you’re not a mother or pre-teen girl in the film, then you’re a drunk, bikini-clad spring break slut or potential slut who deserves to be killed because that’s just so edgy.  As a recruitment advert for feminist activism, “Piranha 3D” has few equals.

The previously alluded-to technical issues with the movie make it mostly unwatchable – as a 2D presentation, the film looks shoddy and absurdly cheap, with the 3D effects having no impact and the computer generated images looking like late 90s video game cut scenes.  The killer fish themselves are dreadful, utterly unconvincing things and the major shoreline massacre sequence only works  because the practical make-up work is  half-decent.

There’s no point in belabouring the point – this is an appalling, witless, pointless film.  Avoid it as you would do with a particularly virulent infection.